Someone who’s been in your shoes
Support from close family members is not something every one has in tough times. I am lucky to have my mom. As I have been supporting a loved one dealing with substance use, my mom has been right there supporting me. She helps with the Healing Hearts Support Group. She cheers me on in life and in my career.
During one of the hardest times of my life, even though I had all the support I could ask for from my friends and family, mom and many other wonderful people, I still felt so alone. They often didn't know what to say. They weren't in my shoes so even if they did have advice, I didn’t feel right taking it.
It's difficult when you are in the midst of something others can’t help you with. People who had never been in my shoes were of very little use to me, even though they cared deeply and wanted to help. Nowadays I believe unless you have been through it, you can’t give advice.
“Let them hit rock bottom.” was something that was suggested to me more than once, even by “professionals”.
At first I tried to do the harsh things that were suggested to me, but it didn't work. Doing and saying harsh things resulted in yelling and screaming which got us nowhere.
So I searched and searched and found an amazing online group called Thrive Family Recovery Support Group. They shared with me the Craft and Invitation to Change approach, which is an evidenced-based tool. It helped my loved one’s recovery. (Remember, recovery isn't perfect, but no one is perfect.)
Think of it this way: have you ever decided to stop eating potato chips or ice cream and cheated? We beat ourselves up and feel regret. “Why did I do that? I messed up and I feel so defeated!”
What do you think your loved one is going through? It makes me angry that people think it's easy to quit drugs or alcohol. If it’s so easy then why can’t you or I stay committed to doing something we know is good for our health?
The way we talk to ourselves when we are feeling disappointed in ourselves changes the course of our lives and our future decisions.
The best tool I have ever learned is knowing how to change my words. I call it changing your words into gold. Words that create more kindness and compassion are gold.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but it does help the relationship. There is no guarantee that your loved one will get better, or sober, but new communication tools could lead your loved one to making positive changes.
I’ve been in your shoes
This website and this blog is for anyone in my shoes who is open to getting themself healthy and making sure they don’t have any regrets in the future, no matter what happens. It’s for those who don’t have anyone in their shoes supporting them.
I don’t give advice. I provide tools and share stories from my lived experiences. Other members of the Healing Hearts Support Group share their experiences too, if they feel comfortable. Sometimes in the support group a person will start offering advice, for example, “You should try…” or “Have you tried…” and we don’t allow that. At every session we open up with reading our group’s rules, which includes:
NO should-ing, could-ing or would-ing.
We also try not to say “let them hit rock bottom”, or “addict”, or “clean or dirty” (as in my eyes my loved one was never dirty) in the group.
We call our loved ones by their name.
Our words matter and we want them to be healing and encouraging rather than harsh or judgemental.
If you’re curious about my support group or private coaching, please send me a message.
